So yesterday I had to stay home from work. My foot was hurting to the point where I couldn't stand, and it wasn't the kind of pain that would go away if I stayed off of it. This fucker hurt even after two vicodin, laying on my bed and keeping my foot elevated. As of 10PM last night I was still murmuring in pain, and wasn't even sure if I'd make it in today. I woke up feeling quite a bit better, though I still can't put most of my weight on that foot. So instead I'm walking around the office with a stupid limp and a bunch of painkillers by my side to make sure it wont flare back up.
From here on, I'm fairly certain that I'll erode any sympathy many of you will have for me, but here goes.
It's been quite a while since I can say I've believed in god. It also took me quite a while to come to grips with this, because frankly there are very few atheists I've met that dont seem to be personifying either a perpetual victim complex (you said "god bless you" after I sneezed, you bigot!) or youthful denial/rebellion. I was repeatedly told by parents and even a few friends that after a while I'd grow out of this doubt and see the light. However, at this point the light still hasn't made itself known, and that multi-hundred-billion dollar sex abuse scandal out in California a few weeks back certainly didn't help matters.
My problem with Christianity lies at a very basic level. Good Christians go to heaven, sinners go to hell. So the reason to be "good" (as defined by the church) is that you'll be rewarded, and the reason to refrain from sin is that you'll be punished. Its a moral doctrine which, at least in my eyes, is at best a bribe and at worst an act of extortion. I clearly remember a few years back when I tried to explain that I was having doubts to a friend of mine, and she responded "well at least if you're a Christian you're playing it safe." And with that well-intentioned sentence, my faith was shattered forever. I should not have to subscribe to a religion simply because I fear the consequences of doing otherwise. Using fear to ensure obedience is disgusting, no different from the authoritarian regimes we've gone to war to unseat.
That's my biggest beef with Christianity, but its certainly not the only thing that irritates me. I hate the way the Church views homosexuals, women, general (healthy) sexuality, evolution, and really science in general. Hell, it took them till 1992 to admit fault in how they treated Galileo's findings. The Church acts infallible, but between raping children (and then covering it up) and... well who cares what else, the child-rape (seriously, how the hell can anyone still put money in a collection bin without feeling like a smut-peddler?) more or less shows that the Church is anything but infallible. I dont want children, but even if I did, there's no way in HELL they'd ever set foot in a church.
And of course, there's the reality that I can't recall ever actually feeling god's pressence... just the guilt of not feeling anything. After a while, the guilt subsided as I felt more and more that there was nothing to feel to begin with.
So here's how I feel at the moment. It's not so much that I'm gonna go out and deny god, but that even if he does exist, I really dont want anything to do with it. I dont care if he exists or not, I'd much rather just live on my own terms and leave that battle between good and evil (which I never asked to be a part of) to god and his buddies. Which means that when I succeed, I am proud of myself without giving god any credit. And by that same notion, when I fail, its my failure, not the influence of some devil or some other nonsense.
And that's that. No need to make a big deal over it, but its important in trying to understand my feelings toward what happened last night. At about... lets say the 12th our or so of straight, unrelenting pain, I finally muttered the words "oh god make it stop." Immediately, I felt like a fraud. Sure, its all well and good to question and even ignore god while you're feeling healthy, but if it all falls apart when you're in pain then its probably not as strong as you thought it was. It makes me feel wretched to admit that (I actually paused after that last sentence and thought about re-wording it, but that would just add to the fraud).
I do not, however, intend for this to turn me toward a religious path. Quite the opposite... if I really want to say that I dont believe in god, I can't turn around and try to grovel if things turn bad. If there is a god, then I may one day be forced to deal with the consequences for how I acted in life. I accept that. I wont accept god out of desperation, however, nor do I think god would want such a thing. The mindset I've chosen will leave me mostly on my own as far as metaphysical matters are concerned, and I need to have the conviction not to cave, even when it feels like a sledgehammer's been taken to various limbs.
My god that's a rambling mess I just wrote, but keep in mind I'm still swallowing acceptable fractions of vicodin tablets to get through the day, so maybe in comments or later posts I'll be able to better-explain my views. But basically, it all comes down to principle. If I dont want god in my life, I can't go praying for my own benefit even if I'm hurting. Or scared.
On a similar note, I heard a few ambulances last night, no doubt due to the huge storms we had all throughout yesterday (power was out for a few hours). I did find myself making the sign of the cross when I heard them, but I figure that even if I dont want to beg god for my own benefit, it certainly can't hurt to direct it towards others. I might not believe, but maybe they do, and if so who am I to deny them a prayer or two?
depressed
annoyed
cheerful
contemplative
